Sounds like the title of a children’s post, right? Big feelings? Well…my plan was to simply start this blog as a place to share fertility appointments and updates. And that’s still the case. But I am beginning to feel like a fraud by not also writing about my feelings.
Let’s face it. I am an open book. You can ask me anything and I’ll probably answer. In fact, I think I am what they call an over-sharer (hence a blog about my ovaries). So to think that I wouldn’t be able to adequately express how I feel about infertility may strike one as odd. But it’s because they’re what I like to call ‘big feelings.’ I can talk all.day.long. about this appointment, or these follicles, or this test, but I cringe when I think about how infertility makes me feel on the inside because my feelings about it are just, well, big.
So I’ll start small. To be honest, some days I feel good. Fan-freaking-tastic. Like I could sing from a mountain top and dance around in my PJs. Okay, okay – I’ll admit, I totally sing Whitney Houston in the car on these days and for sure dancing around in my PJs. But other days…I want to sulk. Or cry. Or just pretend I don’t have PCOS and that we’re not dealing with infertility. Some days it’s just hard to say, “Sorry, I have to run home real quick and take this medicine on time.” Or, “Sorry, can I stick these weird pills in your fridge for a bit while we hang out here?” Some days it’s hard to be on hormones and know that I’m being a crazy b*%#h (I know what you’re all thinking, ‘Wait, that’s from hormones, I thought she was always like that?’ ;)). Some days, it’s just damn hard.
But you know what’s amazing? On those Whitney Houston singing days, I’m thinking about how blessed we are to have all of you. Our support system. Jordan and I are blessed with the most seriously thoughtful, wonderful family and friends. You all check in. You ask how we’re doing. You send cards, notes and texts. You give gifts. And you’re always there when we need you. You might not think you know what to do, or what to say. I get it. I was there once. But let me tell you, you’re doing just fine. Keep on checking in, calling and letting us know you have our backs.
You have to promise me one thing though. Now that I’ve put my heart out there, and I have shared some of my big feelings with you, that you won’t feel sorry for us. Because there are going to be some possible pity posts. There are going to be some big feelings I share that might upset you because you know we’re hurting. That’s what I worry about, you know. Hurting all of you or even more so, knowing that by sharing my feelings I’ve worried you even more. We’re going to be okay no matter what life brings us or where this journey to parenthood takes us. We have a roof over our heads, jobs, all of you, God, and each other.
So on the days when I’m riding the struggle bus, please, don’t worry more. But also don’t feel like you can’t reach out. In fact, please do.
I think infertility should be talked about more and I’m happy to take you all along on this personal journey. For without you, it’d be that much more difficult to endure.
I guess this was my very long way of saying that I plan to share more ‘big feeling’ posts. Also, holy hell, how are you still reading? This was ridiculously long. Kudos if you made it through this post. 🙂