Real Moment #1

Driving in the car alone makes me think. A lot. You know, when I’m not singing Whitney Houston’s “Nothing At All” at the top of my lungs or jamming to T-Swift. When I’m not awkwardly shout-singing, I’m thinking. It could be about work, dressing up my cats, wine…a variety, but more often than not, I tend to think about serious things in the car.

As I was driving yesterday, I thought about the fact that our IVF transfer will be right at the two-year mark of when we ‘pulled the goalie’ and stopped preventing. And that it will be about one year since we started fertility treatments. I can’t believe how fast two years has gone and thought about how most of it has almost been a blur. The fertility parts, I mean. The appointments, blood work, ultrasounds, all seem to blend together at some point. But then there are the moments that are so raw, real and lucid that I’ll never forget them. They’re etched in my memory. They’re typically the moments I don’t share.

In the spirit of being ‘real’ on here and sharing my (our) feelings, I wanted to start a ‘Real Moment Series’ and let you in on some of those moments. {But don’t forget our promise, okay? You can’t feel bad for us, but you can empathize. There’s a difference.}

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

Real Moment #1 – The Results 

It was January and we had been trying Clomid for two months with the results of it working, but no baby. We decided to have Jordan tested to make sure all was well with him too while we started on the 3rd month of Clomid. The doctor called me while I was at the allergist and when it was her, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. It’s never good when the doctor calls. I was standing in the hallway, looking into the office when she told me that Jordan’s test results didn’t come back normal. His morphology was low and we were being referred to an RE. I left the appointment, and ran to Meijer for an errand. When I pulled in the parking lot, it hit me. I just bawled, by myself, in the Meijer parking lot. I remember thinking, “How do you tell someone that news?” It was dusk. I could probably even tell you where I parked, or close to it. The memory is so real and my mind wanders back to this moment often. I don’t think of this as the moment we got some bad test results. That’s inevitable with infertility. I think of this as the moment I realized that starting a family wasn’t going to be easy.

I believe it’s moment in life like this that can define you. And when I say define you, I don’t mean in a bad way. It’s not that infertility defines all of who I am, or who I’ve become, but I can’t deny that it hasn’t changed me. I choose to believe that the ‘Real Moments’ are supposed to change us, and impact us in a way that we might not realize the how or why.

*To any of my TTC friends reading this, check out Amateur Nester for other great fertility reads!*

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5 thoughts on “Real Moment #1

  1. I’m sorry to hear you had to go through this. Like you said though, it’s these moments that make you grow. Strangely, your real moment seems very similar to one of our own, and around the same time as well. I always thought it was me, with a history of endometriosis. Then hubby’s test results came back with 0% morphology, twice! I can’t even begin to describe how we felt, especially hubby. A third test showed much better results, but during our IUI his sample was pretty bad again. Now we are preparing for our first round of IVF – what most likely will become ICSI. Praying for you and sending you all my love!

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    1. Thanks, Ann. I always thought it was just me too! It’s a little bit of a shock when it comes back and it’s both of you. Wow, zero percent is a huge shocker! My husband’s oddly enough went up, but we’re also preparing our first IVF with ICSI cycle. We had three IUIs, unsuccessful. I so hope this is it for you! I’ll be praying for you too! We start our cycle in November.

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