Hope in Holland. That’s what I named the blog, (the link is still futurebabykimble) but I needed a more creative name behind it all. It’s the cheesy writer in me, okay? Anyway, hope. It actually developed out of a conversation I had with my Dad several years ago. Before I knew any of this would even become a part of my life.
We got to talking about believing in general, God, religion, etc. We talked about we felt we had to believe in something, whatever it may be for that person. How could you not? we said. I remember telling him that I thought humans were far to special and birth/death was far too amazing, to not believe in anything. I know, I know what some of you are thinking, it’s science. I may be just a writer, and far from educated when it comes to anything at all science, but I have read enough about human life and conception in this time of trying to conceive, to know that it’s truly a wonder for one to create a human being, with or without help.
But the part of the conversation I so distinctly remember is the bit about hope. We said if you don’t believe in anything, there’s no hope. If you’re not hoping for something, how can you go on? It doesn’t have to be a baby, it can be anything. It could be the hope that your terminal illness is cured. The hope that you find your dream job. The hope that your children are happy. The hope that you succeed in your first race. It doesn’t matter, but if we’re not hoping, what the hell are we doing?
I’m not sure why, but it’s just a conversation I’ll never forget and it is so applicable to my life right now. I can tell myself every month not to get my hopes up for those two pink lines. It creates disappointment and it seriously hurts my heart every time we try something that doesn’t work. It’s a very real sinking feeling when we don’t get the right results, but if we weren’t hoping at all, where would we be? How could we go on? I like to believe that our hope for those two lines each month is what keeps us going. It’s what keeps us strong. We’ve only been on the IF island (IF is lingo for infertility) since December 2013, and I know there are people who have been here longer. Their hope may be less. With each procedure or cycle that doesn’t work, I can see how the hope begins to diminish. It gets harder and easier at the same time. But I think we have to remember to just keeping holding onto that little bit of hope.
So that’s my very long way of saying that’s why I titled this blog, “Hope in Holland.” We’re just going to keep trucking along and holding onto that piece of hope. Hope that this IVF cycle works. Hope that we have embryos to freeze. Hope that if it doesn’t work, a frozen cycle will. Hope that we’ll someday be a family of three, and beyond blessed to be a family of four. We will hope every day, every month, every year.