My Armor

I’ve been trying to comprehend my feelings with starting IVF medications this past week. Am I excited? Am I nervous? Am I worried? I know inside I’m all of the above and then some, but I also just feel indifferent right now. I feel sort of numb. And I kept wracking my brain trying to figure out why.

I know I’m excited. We want a baby. We want a family. So bad it hurts. It aches. I know because I’m willing to inject myself nightly with hormones. I know because I’m willing to pay thousands of dollars to make a baby.

I know I’m nervous. I’m nervous because what if I don’t respond to the medicine as well as the doctors hope? I’m nervous because what if we don’t have any embryos that make it or any that make it to freeze? I’m nervous on how my body will handle all the medication.

I’m worried. I’m worried because what if it doesn’t work. How will I react? How will I handle it? I’m worried because what if we don’t get our miracle baby from this? I’m worried about what lies ahead. I’m doing my best to put my worries in prayer instead of rattling around in my brain, but it’s always going to be there, the ‘what if.’

And then it hit me. I am guarding myself and my feelings. That’s why I feel numb. Do you ever feel like you’re wearing a suit of armor? I do. I think as soon as we started IVF, I put on my suit. I think I told myself it’d be better not to feel so strongly one way or another. After you’ve been hurt so many times, you start thinking of ways to guard yourself. Guard your heart. I can take a flesh wound. I can take some shots to the stomach. It’s my heart that hurts the most.

But I wonder if I need to take off some of the armor. Being vulnerable is hard. It can hurt. And it is really scary. I’m scared of opening myself up to the possibility that this will work because I know for so many it doesn’t. Through this painful process of infertility, I’ve met a lot of amazing women who are already the most wonderful mothers {to me, their mothers in their hearts}. But we don’t always get the results we wish for, and I see that daily. I hurt for these women. However, I know we also witness miracles. People are blessed every single day with the gift of a child.

So because miracles do still exist, and because despite all the evil in the world, I still want to believe in the good, I’m going to try to take off some of my armor. Not all of it, but enough. I know in doing so that I’m opening myself up to that vulnerability, and I know that means if it doesn’t work it’ll just hurt more, but what’s life if I have to live in a suit of armor all the time?

Plus, I realized I don’t need the armor all the time when I have such a great support system. Jordan, who is seriously the best in all this, my family, friends and so many of those really strong women I mentioned above. No one can really protect me from an aching heart, but I know that I have people protecting me from the flesh wounds. And I’m so very grateful.

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