Thoughts for a Failed Cycle

It doesn’t matter where you are at in the heart-wrenching journey of trying to conceive, each failed cycle hurts. Truthfully, if you’re actively trying to conceive and have been for a while, the entire two-week wait is mind-numbing and exhausting.

In the moment, I have a hard time grasping how I am really feeling after I find out we have to endure another month of trying to conceive. One time, Jordan found me standing in the driveway when he pulled in from work with a bottle of wine in my hand and me bawling my eyes out. His words, “Let’s get wine drunk.” {I knew I married him for a reason.} The first time after our first IUI failed, I was on our annual family girl’s trip. I held it together pretty well until I got home and saw Jordan. When our IVF failed, I decided to go into work to distract myself instead of staying home and taking PTO like I thought I’d want to do {it didn’t quite work}. But you get the point. I might react different every.single.time, but I am always upset regardless of how I show it.

So, I wanted to write some thoughts I’ve gathered in my mind after going through through our failed cycles. {Just remember, I’m not a doctor, nor do I claim to be — this is all based on personal experience and everyone is different.}

  1. Know It’s Okay to Be Sad – You have just learned that you are yet again, not pregnant. Don’t diminish the fact that you are hurting right now and do not compare your journey to someone else’s journey. It always hurts and that is normal. It’s okay. More importantly, don’t let someone else diminish your pain.
    1. Sometimes I felt like it wasn’t okay to be sad yet again. It had happened so many times that I felt as if I should know how to feel and should put on a brave face. False. Take a day or two to be sad. Sometimes it is exactly what I needed.
  2. Eat the F*$%ing Chocolate. And get that Venti at Starbucks. Or Drink the Wine. – Seriously. Eat it. Drink it. Sure, you’re already bloated from the fertility meds, but by golly, if any time is the time to gorge on chocolate or ice cream, this is absolutely it. If you opted for coffee, might be hyped up for hours, but you have likely cut out caffeine by now or significantly reduced it, so suck down that sweet nectar of the coffee gods without guilt.
    1. As soon as I got the blood results call about our failed IVF, I went for a Venti Starbucks Americano. Didn’t eat breakfast just sucked down the entire thing right then and there. My friends at work got me a giant Dove bar and Mr. Goodbar. Obviously, I dove in right then and there. And let’s be real, we all know I’ve sucked down a bottle of wine or two when I’ve learned of a failed cycle. That entire day I had a coffee, chocolate, french fries for lunch and ice cream for dinner. I’m not condoning binge eating all the time, but if a day of unhealthy eats helps you get by, do it.
  3. Reach Out – If you have someone close to you who knows what you are going through and can relate, reach out to them. Sometimes it feels good to just let someone know, particularly someone who has been through a similar journey.
    1. Not everyone has this person, I get that. I am fortunate in that I do – both online and in person. If you don’t, please, email me! I’d love to be your support buddy, even if online only. Look for some like friends on IG or social media outlets. I have made some amazing friends through the internet that I know will be lifelong friends.
  4. Take Time for Yourself – Do something just for you. If binging on Netflix is your thing, do it. If shopping is your thing, do it, even if it is just window shopping. Whatever will help distract  your mind for a while might help a great deal.
    1. Personally, I turn into a couch potato and binge watch. We watched Making a Murderer after our failed IVF and while it might seem like a huge time waster, it’s what I needed.
  5. Be Kind to Yourself – You might be off your game at work. Maybe you forgot about a dentist appointment you’ve had scheduled. Don’t worry about it. Be kind to yourself. Now is not the time to beat yourself up over small things.
    1. I was for sure off my game. I had the world’s fuzziest head. I couldn’t remember jack. I couldn’t remember words. I’d stop mid-sentence. They say infertility meds also give you fog brain, and boy, is it true. Combine fertility med fog brain with shock and sadness, you are bound to let some things slip. It’s okay. You’ll get back on track.
  6. Know That You Are Strong – You don’t feel like it now. You might feel weak. You might feel like if someone touches you, you’ll break. But you are strong.

I get it. You do all this and you still feel like crap. You’re still upset. It’s not a way to fix your feelings, and I don’t know why some of us have to go down this unfair and really difficult path, but if you have ever felt, sad, alone, scared or unsure of the future after a failed cycle, know that you are not alone.


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