The Firecracker Part 2 (Guest Post)

This is a guest post is continued from yesterday. If you missed yesterday’s  post, The Firecracker, you can see it here.  Again, thank you to my cousin for sharing this raw, open and heartfelt story about her miscarriage.


The Day {Thoughts from 12.11.15}

I called the doctor’s office right at 8 am in the morning. The bleeding had slowed, but I still wanted and was almost going to demand another ultrasound to confirm this baby was still okay. Why would I demand it when Dr. Ebner still wasn’t concerned? Because I am a mom and I had a gut feeling that something was seriously wrong? All the wrong dots were beginning to connect and my worst nightmare was starting to come true. We were also going to announce our pregnancy with our Christmas cards soon. A beautiful little family photo on the front and Edric smiling on the back wearing his big brother t-shirt; it was perfect. What a fun piece of mail receive right around Christmas. I was so excited about those cards. But I wasn’t going to send them until we knew what was going on. I was beginning to accept that there might be something wrong with our little babe. My medical assistant answered and she said she would speak with Dr. Ebner and get back to me ASAP. I was cool with that and it seemed fair. She called back and said Dr. Ebner was okay with that and also wants an ultrasound to confirm everything, but Oaklawn wasn’t able to get me in until the following Tuesday. I wasn’t cool with that at all, but it was something. It was a chance to have answers and have those answers before sending out our Christmas cards. I was okay with it.

Out of desperation, I attempted to lay down and rest when Violet and Edric were napping that day. I seriously thought that if I laid down and rested that our baby would be okay. I wanted everything to be okay in my body and I wanted everything to be okay with our sweet little babe.

It was Friday, the day of Brian’s first Holiday Concert of the weekend. It was a busy day of caring for two toddlers at our home. I was trying not to panic. When the kiddos were napping, I sat down to check in on the bleeding situation and I had clots. I instantly began to cry with the fact that I knew our baby was gone. I just knew it. I was saddened and just now needed confirmation so I could begin the process of grieving. I called the doctor’s office in tears and left my medical assistant a message and said that I thought I was loosing my baby and that I had some clotting and cramping and that I was just devastated.  I texted my girlfriends who lived closest and they immediately took action. One answered in prayer, the other two showed up at my home to watch the other kiddos and allow me time to shower because my medical assistant immediately called me back and told me to get to Bronson Battle Creek. Dr. Ebner had called in an emergency ultrasound to confirm what was happening. In a matter of 30 minutes, this had become an emergency.

I had been texting with girlfriends like crazy. Cammi was the first that I shared about my reality. I vividly remember one text she sent to me before I left for the hospital. She asked me if I still felt pregnant. That echoed in my mind after that… I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I knew this was over. We had lost our baby.

I showered, Brian made it home, I kept him in the loop as everything unfolded throughout the day. I stood in the shower and wept with him. He hugged me while I was soaking wet and just embraced me. Bless his soul… he didn’t have much to say. I continued to repeat how scared I was, that I thought the baby was gone. That I knew I had lost it. He kept telling me to continue to believe, that no matter what he was with me, that God was in this, but I continued to weep.  Brian had to get to the church to help prepare his students for their biggest concert of the year. This was concert one of two for the weekend. Anna came and cared for Edric and Violet, and Mindy came and took me to the hospital. My dad called me while I was in prayer and reading the word, I was trying to focus on God, trying not to panic. He called and I expressed my sadness, concern and the possibility that I had lost our baby. I’m sure my dad was sad, but he held it together for me. Well, when things got more serious I called him back to update him. My mom had surgery in a few days and I didn’t want to stress her out any more than she already might be. But dad finally called her when I told him about the emergency ultrasound. My mom met Mindy and I at the hospital. I was numb.

I remember on the car ride to the hospital Mindy and I talked. I kept talking about how there was a chance that our baby was dead; she kept changing my focus to that fact that there may be nothing wrong, that I’m just bleeding for no reason. I was trying to believe her, but I knew the prior thoughts were fact. Our baby was gone. I appreciated so much that she and Anna just dropped everything to come help me. I didn’t have to explain myself, I didn’t have to have a concrete reason for help. They knew it was serious and they just showed up. God had already ordained and planned their days perfectly… to make sure that I had my sisters to help me. That was not messed up, that was one perfect thing from that awful day.

I signed in at the hospital, went and waited and thought I had hurried to get there. Well to the technician, I hadn’t hurried fast enough. She said she had been waiting an hour for me to get there.

This is what I was thinking, in a fragmented thought-type form:

  • Well, excuse me. My baby is probably dead!
  • I’m sorry, but I was caring for two toddlers and trying to wrap my head around the amount of loss I was about to endure.
  • I hadn’t showered because I was scared. I was scared to move. I had even tried to lie down earlier in the day to try to rest thinking that some how that would have saved our baby. Ridiculous I know, but I was desperate.
  • I’m so sorry to inconvenience you… you don’t have to endure this pain and sorrow. So sorry to bother you for an extra 45 minutes of your time, of your life that you actually get to live.

I didn’t say any of this to her. But I made it clear that I was sorry and that I tried my best to get there quickly. I told her I had my son to make sure he had care and that takes time. Good thing she caught me while I was somewhat numb and just an empty soul walking from place to place as of that moment, otherwise she would have been sorry she was so short with me when she walked up to me. Ugh!

I laid down in the ultrasound table, she got out the stupid blue gel and squirted a bunch on my tummy. I felt empty.  I felt sad. I felt a ton of denial. I wanted the dumb technician to talk. I wanted her to say something.  I was tired of drowning myself in my own thoughts. I needed some facts; I needed to know what was going on in my body.  My mom stepped out to make contact with Brian. When my mom stepped out, I flat out asked her… “Is there a baby?”She replied… “There is a baby, but there is no heartbeat.”

Silence. I was right. This was messed up. I knew the truth and I was trying to ignore the truth.  I had been in denial and the truth was finally out. I could breathe. I felt a sense of sadness, but also a sense of relief. It was done. It was over. I knew what was going on in my body finally. Thank the Lord that I at least could rest knowing the truth.

My mom walked back in and I told her. She was in total disbelief. She said, “What?” In total shock! I wasn’t really doing anything. My thought had turned to reality. I was still numb, just breathing in and out. My heart was sinking. I could feel my heart beginning to race. I wasn’t sure if I was going to scream or cry. I could literally almost feel the hopes, dreams, prayers and plans for that child leaving my body quicker than they came. It was all over. No more hopes, no more dreams, not more wishes and plans were to be made. It was all over.

The technician immediately tried to contact Dr. Ebner. It was Friday afternoon and he had been in surgeries all day and she wasn’t sure how to make things official and to let him know what the results were. He picked up. He knew I was there. He knew the fact that the phone call probably was that I had lost the baby. That he was going to have to have the hardest conversation he ever has to have with his patients. The technician confirmed with him and hesitated to continue the conversation because I was sitting right there… but she said, “There is no heart beat.” The baby measured 7 weeks, 1 day. I thought I was nearing 11 weeks… I immediately started doing the simple math in my head.  That meant I had been carrying our dead child for 3 weeks or more. That grossed me out and made me feel terrible inside. I was housing our dead child. That was, and still is, messed up to think about the fact that I had endured that. I was a coffin.

My mom and I finished; I sat up and wanted to sprint out of there. I had nothing to say. I was numb. I didn’t want to feel.  I immediately just wanted to hold Edric. I wanted to feel his hugs, touch his lips to mine, hold his hands, and rub his hair on his head. All I wanted was my baby. I was also thinking that I had to drive downtown to tell my husband that our child is dead. That sucked. He was only an hour or so from leading his students in their holiday concert. They have been working on this for months. And I have to drop the news on my husband that our child is gone, that we will never hold this child. We wept in each other’s arms and just hugged. I couldn’t do anything else. Brian walked over and hugged my mom too. We were all crying.

I asked my mom to take me home. I needed my Edric. He was my focus. His life kept me from completely crumbling. Edric’s smile, his excitement to see me, Edric kept me going in that moment. I knew I should have been praying, I should have been asking the Lord of Lord’s what to do next. I should have been asking him to take my pain away. I should have been thanking him for loving on our baby in heaven. I should have been weeping to him. Crying for mercy. But I had nothing to say. I feel horrible for saying that, but I had nothing left.

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The rest of the evening I spent with my parents, brother and his fiancé and Anna and her two boys: Xander & Oliver and our sweet Edric. We ate pizza, laughed, and I randomly made comments about what had just happened. But no one was inside my mind. I was still housing our child who had died and gone to heaven more than 3 weeks ago. That child was still in my body.  That fact and thought was haunting me. But no one knew or could understand or begin to comprehend my hurt, pain and sorrow that had barely scratched the surface. I also went into my closet almost immediately after returning home from the ultrasound and I went to put all of my maternity clothes back into the tub at the base of my closet.

Deciding

Now the facts were on the table. Dr. Ebner, when he was on the phone with me while I sat in the dark ultrasound room, said that he wanted me to try to pass the baby on my own now that I was bleeding. I thought that that sounded fair, natural and normal. And for a cloth diapering, breast is best, essential oil & natural product mom, natural always sounds better to me. So I thought, that’s what I need to do. Decision was made. My husband thought I was crazy. He says now that he knew every second of every day I continued to wait to finalize this process would eat me alive. It did. I sat at home, caring for toddlers, allowing my son to crawl all over my body and play with trains, Daniel Tiger and watching the movie Tangled for the 1,000th time. I also instantly wanted beer and caffeine and all the junk food I could get my hands on. I was done hosting a life, I wanted to live my life freely and guilt free once again. But that baby was still inside of me. The bleeding was a complete roller coaster of flow types, like any period of mine usually is. There was no consistency, no true answers, conclusions or ending to the process. I was beginning to get anxious. I began to worry about whether or not I’d have to hold the sack that our baby was in. Would it hurt? Would I scream? Could I care for Edric during the day and still be able to pass our baby through my body? Would everything shed appropriately or would I get an infection later on? My questions, concerns and anxieties began to grow and multiply. I finally called Dr. Ebner. I told him that I wanted a D&C. I needed some closure. I needed an ending to the agony and sadness. He agreed, but he had lots of surgeries scheduled for the week. I called him Monday, December 14th and he said he could fit me in on Wednesday December 16th. I had to wait 2 more days. That’s it. I could wait two more days.

D&C-Dilation and Curettage

I decided to get a D&C. I tried to take on the feat of my body naturally cleansing me and my baby from the limbo we were both in at the time. All I knew was that even though none of this made sense, I knew God was and it bigger. I knew and know that He has this! I know He has already won. I knew that I had to believe that, but the hurt and immense sadness I was beginning to feel was ridiculous. One night I sat and cried. Not the sobbing that I had done previously, I was just so full of sadness that I could hardly breathe. My heart was just hurting and I could do nothing about it.

My bestie that I’ve known and been close with since 6th grade called me the day after that ultrasound. {I think If you know me at all, I moved to the “geek” table in 6th grade and became best friends with Stacey. It was by far the best decision I had ever made in my entire life!} She called me a day or so after we found out about our loss. And she was one that I called and told immediately after finding out we were pregnant. She called me and asked me how I was. I think I kept it together okay through that conversation because I was kind of numb. I had hashed things out a lot lately and was just going through the motions of explaining what had happened. But it was a way for me to not forget about our baby. Talking about our babe somehow kept him or her alive, alive in my heart anyways.

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I had never been put under anesthesia before; Id never had any kind of surgery except for getting my wisdom teeth out in high school. Brian took the day off, Dr. Ebner had to squeeze my procedure in because it was the end of the year and tons of people wanted their non-emergency surgeries at the end of the year because their deductibles had been met and they wouldn’t have to foot a huge bill for them, but he fit me in.  December 16th, 2015. The date of loosing our child for good, it was final. It was sad. It was scary. But I trust Dr. Ebner. I remember telling him to be careful with me. I told him that I still needed my uterus. He replied, “You’re a returning customer, I have to be careful with you!” And we all laughed. He cares about us. He loves our family. He does things that I didn’t even think doctors did anymore. He gives out his cell number to his patients, he listens, he doesn’t ever rush me, he cares, he gives me amazing advice, he always gives me advice as if he was giving it to himself, or someone he loves and cares for. I asked if we would be able to see our baby after the procedure and Ebner said that it’s just not possible, that our baby would not be unrecognizable after the procedure. That made me cry really hard and made me really sad.

Another amazing sister that God has blessed me with, Virginia… or Virgina as her name is in my phone… {it’s a long inside joke/story}, desperately wanted to help somehow, which I’m thankful for. She came to be with Edric when I had my surgery. Edric got to play with his dear friend, Violet! I knew he would have fun and not miss us with his sweet buddy there to play. I didn’t stress about leaving Edric like I have in the past. And for me, that struggle was, and is sometimes still very real for me to leave him. I was so thankful that she came. She had dinner for us in the crockpot and just did everything I needed her to. I was so distracted by my thoughts and what I was about to do that I just needed someone to come in who knew me and just would do what I would do in my home and be there for Edric. He knew something was “off” he snuggled me more in those few days than he ever snuggled me before. He’s a busy boy and isn’t a huge snuggler. He will give hugs and kisses, but doesn’t do it constantly.

I sat heavy on that table waiting for them to take me back. I prayed. Brian played worship music for us in our little waiting “cell” before surgery. I remember a few tears falling down my face. But I didn’t sob. I was ready for this to all be over. I was ready for my sweet baby’s body to be able to rest. I was ready to not feel like a coffin anymore. I was ready to move on. God had our baby in His arms, in heaven and that gave me so much peace. I believe God is good! I believe He is Lord! I believe all this, but I was still sad. I was still heavy with hurt. Dr. Ebner had an emergency come up so he had another surgery bump me back a couple of hours. I fell asleep to worship music with Brian next to me holding my hand, wiping my tears, praying over me. Like I’ve said previously,I wouldn’t want to walk this life journey with anyone else.

Finally, it was time to wheel me away to end this worldly tragedy for our family to endure. It was going to be over. I kissed my husband and I told him that I loved him. We always kiss three times when we part – not sure why, I think it was a thing that we started when we were dating. We lived and survived a long distance relationship for most of our relationship before marriage so leaving each other was sucky. We always just kissed three times, but we knew we wouldn’t get that many kisses for a while. It’s just our thing. And I also think of it as kissing for our past, present and future. Brian told me that he didn’t like that I was rolled away from him. That he couldn’t protect me anymore and that he had to trust someone else with my health from there. He was sad. He also told me that loosing our baby felt very real at that point, but he didn’t share that then, only after the fact. He remained strong. I don’t remember him crying, but maybe he did after I was gone, not sure. That’s between him and Jesus.

They wheeled me to a very bright room with lots of lights. Remember, I’ve never had a surgery of any kind; I was okay, but nervous. I started to shiver because it was FREEZING in there. I transferred tables and they immediately put the mask thing on my face, and I pushed it away and said, “Whoa! I’ve never done any of this before, please talk me through this.” They got the message! Ha! They talked me through it. I told them that our baby is in heaven and doesn’t belong in me anymore. I think they were all a bit sad for me, but were just doing their job. I trusted them. I had peace. I was ready to be freed from this situation.

It was just moments later that I let them put the mask back on me. I was out for what felt like hours, but was really only 15-20 minutes. It is the simplest and least invasive surgery according to my Dr. Ebner. I was groggy when I woke. I had tears falling down my face and I kept telling the nurses, “My baby was in heaven now.” I just kept crying and asking for food. I was starving because of having to wait longer for the emergency surgery that Ebner had to squeeze in before my procedure.  They gave me crackers and apple juice. I was beyond thankful. I remember just saying over and over that our baby was in heaven and I kept asking if it was all over. And the two ladies on either side of me just kept saying that I’m okay, that our baby was in heaven and that it was all over. I felt loopy from anesthesia. Brian thought I was going to be funny. Nope! I was crying tons. I was sad. Tears just kept continuing to fall. I wanted my baby. I didn’t want to have to lose our baby.  This broken, messed up world seemed to fall apart around me. But I had to be okay. I have a toddler to love and care for. I want him to see that I’m human and I hurt, but I also have to go on living and show how God’s hope, mercy, truths and promises. I have to share how He saved me, continues to save me and redeem my life and make good from ashes.

Future-What’s Next? Moving On

Until I read the article that inspired this story to be put into written word I hadn’t really thought about what I had been doing at the exact moment our child died, but it is a question I may never know the answer to on this side of eternity. Was our baby in pain? Could it feel the pain of passing? What exact stage of development was our baby in? What went wrong? Was I singing a worship song at church, was I lashing out in frustration at our son for getting into something he wasn’t allowed? Were my husband and I making love? Was I singing toddler music class songs in the van? Was I arguing with my husband? Was I deep in prayer? Was I reading God’s Word? Was I watching Netflix or the Today Show? Was I sleeping? Was I taking a shower? Did I feel it and just not notice what was happening in my body?

I will never know. I pray constantly for peace, for God the all-knowing God of the universe to give me peace, to give my husband peace. I pray for God to use our story to spread hope, to spread God’s truths, God’s love and His promises of eternity. He is real. He is forever and He wants our hearts. He desires a relationship with us. He desires us right where we are. We don’t need to be shiny, perfect or have it all together. He wants us right where we are. My story was lots of chronological events, many of those events were messed up. But in all of that messed up story/event, God was good! He is a good, good father. He will bring redemption, salvation and perfection from this mess. I believe that and I will forever continue to believe this!

{Thoughts from 2.12.16}

My dear friend and sister, Kim Calabrese, sent me this via text that she just kept praying, singing and hearing the lyrics to this gorgeous song: Good Good Father by Chris Tomlin. She kept encouraging me that even in my hurt that God is a Good, Good father! Now whenever I hear this song, which is often because it’s very popular on Christian radio and in church, I know God is Good Father. I know he has me. He’s got this! Thank you Kim!

I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think You’re like
But I’ve heard the tender whisper of love in the dead of night
You tell me that you’re pleased and that I’m never alone

You’re a good, good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

I’ve seen many searching for answers far and wide
But I know we’re all searching for answers only You provide
Because You know just what we need before we say a word

You’re a good, good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us

You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways to us

Love so undeniable I can hardly speak
Peace so un-explainable I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love.

You’re a good, good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

You’re a good, good Father
It’s who You are, it’s who You are, it’s who You are
And I’m loved by You
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

(repeat)

You are perfect in all of Your ways
You are perfect in all of Your ways

Read more: Chris Tomlin – Good Good Father Lyrics | MetroLyrics

If you haven’t heard this song yet, stop reading and just go find it! Worship the God of the universe who already has won the war of this world with His blood on the cross, he emptied himself, died in our place and has redeemed the world already from the mess it is in. He has saved us from our sin and wants our heart and souls. He desires a relationship with us. We just have to jump in and say: “Yes Lord!” I believe!

 

Healing with Him

Thank you for reading this long string of thoughts from my mind. This typing has truly helped me cope, heal, grieve and grow. If you have felt some or any of these events or this kind of loss, I am so sorry. Join with me. Pray with us, reach out. You are not alone and you can seek help. Above all: Seek Jesus. He came to save us, wants our hearts and will continue to knock on the door of your heart until you answer Him. He will never leave or forsake us. Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5, Joshua 1:9, Philippians 4:6-7 and I know there are more.

And if you’ll notice, I emerge myself in community with lots of different people. I have a church family that lifted us up in prayer. I read my Bible, I dig into His word so I know the promises and truths I have shared and know in my heart and mind. I’m not saying I’m perfect; I’m the furthest thing from it. But I love Jesus and I love His people. His cares for you, therefore I care for you. But the thing is, God loves us perfectly.  Humans love imperfectly. We need him to show us how to love others, how to have earthly relationships and how to love ourselves.

People can and will disappoint us. They will let us down. They will hurt and fail us because of sin and human nature. But we need community to help us journey through life. Walking in in Gospel/imperfect community has taught me more in the last 5 years than most things have taught me over my entire lifetime.  Jesus loves us perfectly and gives us everything we need exactly when we need it. He also knows that our sin that entered the world when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and that we would ache, cry, and regret decisions and actions we act upon on earth, but he has redeemed it all. He placed good Jesus loving people in our lives to help us journey on earth and to live with and do life with. Believe that God is good even if you have to tell yourself that countless times a day. Believe it! Speak it out loud. Speak it and you will begin to see yourself living in the light and promises God has for you! And if you’ve never heard of any of this… please either message me, call me, email me, go to a church, or talk to a friend or even a pastor about wanting to join in on this love, these promises. God is waiting, just waiting for us to answer the call for him to enter our hearts. Just pick up the phone and run the race He has set out for us.

To share that His love above all things is true, makes sense and is real. God has already scripted this… He knew exactly what I was going to say. He is covering me, protecting me and wants good for my life and for my family’s life. To God be the Glory through this whole messed up story. It may be messed up, but it’s my story, and He wrote it just for me. He will be glorified through this and I will love Him all the more.

Thank You

I feel a few people need some love and appreciation for their in-depth love, sacrifice and devotion to our family. My friends surrounded our family. They weren’t sure exactly what to do and I didn’t know exactly what I needed, but they stepped in and did only what they could, only what they knew

Vicki brought dinner to us, chilled and let our babes play. She let me cry with her. She just was with me. She continues to lift us up in prayer and she is always there to listen to whatever grief I feel. I still text her when I have hard days or thoughts. She just always prays for us and loves us! Thank you so much Vicki!

Erin, she is my Instagram friend, texting friend and now close friend in Jesus. She also went through loss before having her gorgeous babes. She walked through this, listened, responded, prayed and continues to be there for us. Thank you for being real with me, telling me that my hurt is real and that I’m allowed to feel it and grovel in it.

Jill sent me a gorgeous bracelet in the mail from an amazing nonprofit: Hudson’s Bands of Hope. If you’re reading this and know of someone who would benefit from a simple little gift that can bring peace and comfort, contact them. They give bracelets to those who have lost babies. It’s an amazing gift that I have already sent to another dealing with hurt and grief. Love and comfort is what these bracelets give to those who receive one.

Teri thank you for walking through life with us. You saw the hurt I had with our stupid Christmas card announcements. You someone how could see the depth of the hurt I felt about those silly pieces of paper. You could sense the meltdown I experienced while trying to salvage the first set of cards. I think you could hear my yelling, screaming and anger with not being able to send those cards out to people to announce our baby. You knew I needed Christmas cards to send out to still feel normal. Thank you for making it happen for us to still send our family photo to everyone as a gift. Thank you for gifting us those cards. I wasn’t sure why those cards mattered so much, but I later realized that they mattered because they weren’t just cards. They were an announcement, a proclamation of someone, a life being added to our family. That life was longer there. That loss hurt, those cards hurt and couldn’t be sent out. I was trying to cover up our news on the cards with cardstock to still send out. I kept seeing the photo of Edric in his Big Brother shirt, seeing the words: Baby Massey 2.0 arriving July 2016 and I crumbled every single time I read those words. Finally, I threw them all across the room while Brian was trying to help me, but not understanding my struggle.  It’s like you could feel my hurt and anger. You helped me get new cards printed and out for our friends and family Christmas cards. Thank you for helping me grieve, thank you for helping me heal. Thank you! I love you.

Virginia continues to laugh, grieve, pray and be there. I call her my Jiminy Cricket. She isn’t as flighty as me, and I’m so thankful for that. I need someone to ground me. She does and I know she someone I can trust, confide in and always lean on. Thank you for loving us like you do! I love you!

Cammi, I’m so thankful to have met you through Virginia. Thank you for texting with me and chatting with me as this miscarriage became a reality. Thank you for loving me, praying for me and just texting it out with me. I truly love and appreciate you.

I also want and need to thank Kelly Wendzel for being an incredible source of advice, wisdom, grace and just gentle guiding nature. Without her willingness to listen, respond and pray for me I could have possibly still been stuck in a major rut of postpartum depression and anxiety. Thank you for your obedience and commitment to seeing me through some of my toughest moments of my life thus far. Thank you sister.

Anna has dealt with grief and loss also. She lost her sister in a tragic car accident. She can’t understand the exact loss I have experienced but she knows grief all too well. She listens, shares way she dealt and continues to deal with the grief of losing Ruthie. I wish I could have met you Ruthie. I am angry at the fact that I didn’t get to meet you. Anna and I got tattoos of a cross on our wrists to constantly remind us of who owe are. We are daughters of Christ. We did it because we were in Texas, and because Ruthie would do it. Ruthie, than you for making us brave to get tattoos! We miss you! I will NEVER replace Ruthie, but I do believe that Anna has been placed into my life to be my sister. All my friends are my sisters but there’s something different about how God brought Anna and I together. I knew I needed to hug her the second I met her and the rest is history.

My cousin, Ashley, is currently struggling with infertility and lost two embryo babes in the early stages of the fertility process. We are heart broken together as we grieve loosing our babies. She has been a texting warrior for me. She gets so many of the hurts and anger that I felt and continue to feel.  Thank you for editing this mess of a story for me, Ash! I truly appreciate it!

My prayer warrior: Brittany. I love you. Thank you for always just instantly lifting us up in prayer even when you don’t understand and aren’t at the same stage of life. Thank you so much for just praying. It means so much to know that we are covered in prayer so often. Thank you for constantly searching for what God is trying to teach you. You are so strong, so beautiful and so loved!

Mindy and Jess, you two are two miles away from us in either direction. Thank you for dropping everything to help us out so often. You two have taught me so much about gospel community. Thank you from having hard, real and hurtful conversations to further deepen my trust and love for Jesus. Thank you for calling me out, laughing with me, journeying through life with us, for loving my husband, son and I like you do!

Stacey, thank you for just getting me. Thank you for just being quick to listen and slow to speak. You have taught me so much about how to be a better listener as a friend; a lesson I needed to learn and continue to learn.  And thank you for letting me sit with you back in 6th grade when the world didn’t accept me you did! Thank you! I love you!

Traci, thank you for all of our hours and hours of phone conversations, long snail mail that we have sent each other since our college days and for being the amazing friend you are. You are carrying a beautiful baby girl. She is so blessed to have you as her mommy already. You are a mama! I am grinning and smiling at just the thought of seeing you as a mama. You give me hope; you give me strength to think about the future, about another baby. Thank you!

I also want to thank my mom. Thank you for knowing exactly what I need. Thank you for knowing me like the back of your hand. Thank you for giving me space to live life imperfectly and then embracing me when I ultimately fall apart in your arms and realize that I can’t do it all on my own. Thank for you carrying me, birthing me, loving me, teaching me, disciplining me and encouraging me to be the woman I am so that I can endure the trials of this world with courage, bravery and stamina. Thank you. Thank you for loving Edric, encouraging me to be an amazing mom amidst earthly trials and weaknesses. I truly love and appreciate everything you are to me. Thank you for always helping me and for being our “Re-pack Rita” and “Mary Poppins.” Thank you for giving me the strength to life out the life God has intended for me.

These women aren’t perfect; they’re far from it, and would openly admit that.  I know I probably forgot someone, but they know how much I love them and how thankful I am for their friendship. We all need Jesus, we need each other and we will continue to walk together in gospel community because we are called to. We are called to walk through the mess of life together, to try to understand the unconditional love, that we will never fully understand earth side, that God has for us.

A lot of these women also helped gift me a beautiful little ring that I wear every single day. I have an identical ring like it for Edric. I spin it and pray for Edric often.  My girlfriends kept asking me what tangibly I could use to remember Our Little Firecracker. I told them a ring to remember that this babe was our baby. A reminder for me to pray for them, remember that I will meet our babe in heaven, that there is hope. That this baby was my child on loan to me from the God of Universe and that I will never stop loving my Firecracker. Thank you ladies for going in to buy that little ring for me that brings me daily hope, encouragement and peace. Thank you! I love you all! It reads: Our Little Firecracker 2015.

None of this that has been written is perfect. It’s actually really messy, but it’s me. It’s my mind, my heart and it is what God prayerfully put on my heart to share with those who read these words. I was and am trying to be obedient. I felt ready to share our story. Here it is. Thank you for walking through this with us. My husband, son and I truly appreciate everything all of you have done for us. We thank you!

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We will have another baby. I believe it. We want another baby. But my pregnancy with our “Firecracker” was rough. If and when we have our next pregnancy and birth and child, will probably be rough too, but I know it is what I’m made to be is a mother. We will try again. My mind is beginning to think, wonder, dream and desire another child. I think that’s normal. We will know when we are ready. God will reveal it to us. I know He will.

We plan on celebrating this Fourth of July Up North in Frankfort, Michigan. I hope to release a lantern to the heavens to show God, to show our baby that I love them. I miss our baby and it will be a way to remember our little firecracker. It will be a time to thank God for where we have been, where we are going and where He will lead and take us next. I will continue to praise, worship, believe, grow and testify to others your power, salvation and majesty. Thank you Jesus for redeeming me and loving me and for saving me soul.  Even though this story and so many others have a story that’s messed up, God you’re perfect, righteous and deserve all the worship and glory this world could ever give you! Lord, to you be the glory always and forever.

God Bless you and yours,
Marissa J. Massey

A Daughter of the Lord of Universe!

 

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One thought on “The Firecracker Part 2 (Guest Post)

  1. Bless all your hearts! May God bless you for sharing your story! The Norton’s love the Massey’s! We are praying for all of you!

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