We’re just under one week out from the start of IVF 2. I’d like to pretend and tell you all that I’m totally ready for it, mentally and physically, but I’m not. And I don’t know when I ever will be, really. I’m still terrified and totally guarded. It’s harder to be excited for this round for a number of reasons.
I know how grueling it is on my body. The fact that my ovaries get so swollen that I feel like I can hardly move and I literally can’t sit down. The headaches and nausea from the shots. The bruises on my body.
I know how hard it is mentally. The constant wondering. How many eggs do I have? How many embryos will fertilize? What will my blood work come back as? Will this time work? There are continual mind-wandering questions that I can’t shake because I can also feel the physical effects from it at the same time. You can try to distract yourself, but there’s really not true distraction from any of it and the triggers are everywhere. Truthfully, dealing with this kind of ‘stuff’ is a total mind f*%$k.
It’s not that I’m totally negative or have lost hope. Don’t confuse my ramblings for pessimism. I just know what to expect now and our almost 2.5 years of trying without success has me guarding my heart more than ever. I’m learning more and more what I need to do in order to preserve my sanity and sometimes that means putting up a guard to protect my feelings and emotions. But preserving my sanity also means being transparent. If you ask me how I am and answer less than excited or seem nervous, it’s because I am.
This time is going to be harder, I already know that, but I’m moving forward with the hope that this time will be different. That it will be successful. There’s nothing to do but that.
I’ll continue to keep you all updated and this time around, I’ll be trying to share more photos and videos to help anyone else going through the process.