Hurdles

I ran track in middle school.

……

The pause was allowing you to howl in laughter for a minute. Or, sit stunned. Or, if you had the honor of watching me {hello Mom and Dad}, a minute to reminisce about my glory days in the second heat sprints.

Sure, I actually enjoy running now, but I enjoy it because it clears my mind mentally. I enjoy running a 5k at my own pace. But back in the day, I was in track.

I was in second heat and did mainly sprints, and some relays. But I always marveled at those who could jump hurdles. How did they get that much air? Are they part gazelle? I thought for sure I’d fall, and fall hard, if I ever did try it.

Thankfully, no one ever asked me to jump any hurdles in middle school track. But lately, that’s exactly how I feel with this second IVF. It’s tiring and I feel like as soon as I think I’m nearing a certain milestone, I come up on a another hurdle unexpectedly and I stumble and fall a little. Our last IVF, I was basically the ideal candidate up until the very end, when, unfortunately, only 2 of our embryos made it to transfer. This IVF, it’s like I’m jumping a hurdle every few meters. {Meters, is that how track is measured? I seriously don’t even remember.}

It started off with us having to induce my cycle with medication so we could even begin IVF. Okay, that happens with me a lot. I don’t get normal cycles due to my PCOS. Normally, I start about a day after the last day of the medicine. This time, it took a week. Hurdle complete. I stumbled a little, but it didn’t really bring me all the way down. This past week, I went to the office for an ultrasound and bloodwork because I hadn’t started my second cycle. On lupron {the shot I’ve been taking for the last 18 days} you are supposed to start your cycle between day 10-14. Day 14 came and went, and nothing. So I went in for the ultrasound and there it was. Four giant cysts on my right ovary. Pretty big ones. They called with my bloodwork later that day and my estradiol levels were 606. Way too high, but normal if you have cysts. They told me I had to keep taking my lupron for another almost two weeks. I was to come back on the 18th to see if they were gone or to call if my cycle started. But the nurses didn’t think it would.

I felt totally defeated. I had expected to start my stim meds this past week. Gearing up for a mid-April transfer. I hit the hurdle and I hit it hard. I fell. I didn’t take it well. I was sad, angry, frustrated, grumpy – all of the above. As I’ve mentioned in most of my updates, this shot takes everything out of me and just exhausts me. No matter how many hours of sleep, I feel like I have just been hit by a truck. As one person put it, lupron makes you feel like a fat piece of garbage. #totallyaccurate The thought of 12 more days on it, made me cry simply for that fact alone. How was I going to do this for 12.more.days. Add in the disappointment factor and I promise I was a real treat to be around. I was honestly a big, fat, slobbery, teary-eyed mess. I cried in the bathroom at work. Long enough for the lights to turn off because it didn’t sense anyone being in there.

I started to get up from the fall yesterday. My knees still felt wobbly, but I knew I had to keep going to make it to the end of this race. And then, I got signs that my cycle was starting last night. Woke up today and it’s confirmed. Ah! It’s like someone ran over and gave me a shot of adrenaline or something. {Yeah, yeah I know they don’t do that in middle school track.} But it gave me hope again. At exactly the right time. I don’t know what it means yet for sure, but hopefully it means the cysts are disappearing and I can start stim shots soon. I’ll call tomorrow and find out more.

I realize that while I may have taken a spill, I wasn’t alone out there on the track. I had people reaching out their hands to help me up every single day, and have the entire time. Jordan has been nothing but understanding in my time of unnecessary grumpiness and also knows just what immediate fix I need when things like this happen. When I told him about the appointment he said, “Go get a coffee right now.” Bingo. It was already on my to-do list to grab a decaf iced Americano to cheer myself up. Fortunately, my sister was with me already the day of the appointment and going to lunch with her was the perfect distraction. My mom played the Mom card and checked in on me that evening. A conversation with her can make anything better. Megan offered to come meet me to chat if I needed it and had the perfect response to the news {I’m not sharing it because we share weird sense of humor that only the two of us get sometimes.} My coworkers were amazingly supportive and I had some ttc {trying to conceive} sisters {chelsea and lesley!} that were right there with me, supporting me and keeping my spirits up. My friend Kristy motivated me during my shot I had to take at her house Saturday and my friend Kendall had the cutest little basket for me complete with a coloring book and tea. I saw my cousin after my acupuncture appointment Wednesday for just a few minutes, and she probably didn’t realize, but it cheered me up. My friend Lora gave me a gift full of my favorite goodies a few weeks ago and those things have been helpful during this ‘fall’. #stresseater

While the week didn’t go how I envisioned, it certainly showed me how lucky I am to have so many people that care. I can’t believe how many people are there, holding out their hands, every time I hit a hurdle and fall. Throughout this whole thing I’ve had a team of people. There are so many other people who have been checking in with me the whole time that I didn’t get a chance to mention, but know that your texts, calls, check ins are seriously keeping me going in all of this. Thank you.

I’m back on the track and I’m continuing to race toward the finish line. I know there are going to be more hurdles to jump. But I know I have some good people pulling me up after the fall. I’ll continue to keep everyone updated but for now, please pray for good news this week with the cysts.

 

I wish I had a photo of me from middle school track for your viewing pleasure, but I don’t here at the house. For now, I’ll leave you with this.For sure I looked like the girl on the bottom.

runing

 

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2 thoughts on “Hurdles

  1. FYI, I nominated you for the Liebster Award over on my blog. Let me know if you don’t want your link up, but I hope you’re okay with it because your blog is awesome and I think your honesty inspires a lot of people. 🙂

    Like

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