Lizard Skin

I’m developing lizard skin, guys. No, really. I think I am. Okay…maybe it’s not lizard skin, but when I gave myself my shots tonight on my left side, I had to stab it really hard to go in. {Sorry if this makes anyone squeamish!} I texted Megan and told her and she said, “You have lizard skin!” It made me think {and laugh} about my lizard skin in perspective to everything that’s going on.

A lizard’s skin is kind of rough. Not very soft. Bumpy. Let’s get real here in the animal world. Lizards aren’t the most beautiful of the animal creatures, right? Some have beautiful colored lizard skin, sure, but at first glance, you see that rough, un-soft, bumpy lizard skin. I look at my stomach right now and it’s not too bad yet, but I already see some battle wounds. There are shot marks. The skin in the area has toughened a little bit from the daily routine of the shots. I see a bruise or two. It looks, well, a little rough, and reminds me of the lizard skin.

So then, I got to really thinking about the lizard families. {Yes, this is truly how my mind works.} Are these lizards self-conscious? Do they feel beautiful with their rough skin? IVF makes you self-conscious. In a lot of ways. Your hormones are out of control, you’ve got acne, you’re gaining water weight like mad and you’re stabbing yourself with injections every day that leave literal marks on your body. It doesn’t do much for one’s self-esteem at one of the most vulnerable times in your life.

So then I thought, what gives with the tough lizard skin?  I mean, really, why is this resonating with me so much? First, it’s tough. It’s their first line of defense against predators. If I’m comparing myself to a lizard, I do think I’m stronger now than I have been in the past. Infertility has somehow made me stronger and weaker all at the same time. But it’s not that.

And then it hit me. They get to shed their skin for growth. In my moments of clarity, I can see I’m growing through IVF. I can see it has changed me. I’ve grown. I am not the most comfortable in my skin right now because I’m starting to outgrow it. Eventually, when we make it through all of this, I’ll be able to shed my skin, too, and begin all over again, with a new skin {and yes, we’re talking figuratively here}. And when you think of it that way, it’s kind of really beautiful. It’s beautiful to think that there is a means to an end in all of this, even if I can’t see it now.

You know, I think I’m okay with having lizard skin. 




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