When a Needle Brings Tears

At approximately 6:45 a.m. every morning, Jordan gives me a shot, right in the tush, with a 1.5 inch needle. This has been our life since the day of the egg retrieval and if we’re pregnant, it will be through 12 weeks of pregnancy too.

A 1.5 inch needle is big. It hurts, but most of the days, it’s tolerable and we’ve figured out a system. He’s actually a really good  nurse {you know, as good us street nurses can be} and he does a great job of trying to find a spot where he knows it’s not going to hurt as much.

Today, we must have hit a nerve or something and holy crap, did I feel it. He knew it was a bad spot so tried again, same thing. This time, it brought me to literal tears, which surprisingly rarely happens. First, it was because of the pain. It’s shocking enough to start your day with a shot, but when it hits a nerve, it’s a real wake up call, in the worst kind of way.

But then, I think I was crying for a different reason. It was one of those moments of clarity in which I realized this is what we have to do to have a baby. It’s not going to just happen in that really beautiful, romantic moment or in that we-shouldn’t-have-had-that-whole-bottle-of-wine way. It’s going to happen with the help of money, persistence, strength, needles, doctors, petri dishes, blood work and tests. And I’ve known that for a long time, but sometimes it hits me in such a way that it almost takes my breathe away and I can’t believe this is actually our reality. I can’t believe we’re actually doing this to have a baby, to make a family. I hear from people who have made it to the other side of the IF island that it’s all worth it. That someday I’ll look back and I’ll understand more. I think that’s true, but as time goes on, it becomes increasingly harder to envision that.

I picked myself back up and stopped crying after a few minutes, and took a minute to let it sink in that some days are just going to be more difficult than others.

It’s amazing how many feelings are packed into a 1.5 inch needle.

{As far as how I’m doing since transfer, I’m back to work now and starting to feel better. I had what we think might have been some mild hyper stimulation last week, which I think is why this cycle has been so much harder than the last, but I seem to be on the up and up and now it’s a waiting game.}


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