Oh hey, June. There you are. Already!? How can that be? That’s what I kept thinking. This entire last month has been an absolute blur. Yesterday, when I realized it was June 1, I looked back and realized I had only blogged twice in May. Understandably so, but really, I think it’s because I’ve been thinking way too hard about what to write. Should I throw a word vomit post out there and just jot down all my thoughts? Should I use my ever-so-favorite and write metaphorically? Should I just keep quiet? I realized today it doesn’t matter. First, this is my blog so who the hell cares, right? Ha! But seriously, it doesn’t matter because the whole point of the blog is to keep everyone updated and so that I have a place to spew out all my feelings about what’s happening with building our family.
So I’ve gone with answering the question that everyone really wants to know, but might be afraid to ask.
How are you? That’s a loaded question right now. I appreciate the question, because, it’s good to know that people care enough to ask and it makes me feel less alone, but it’s loaded. So be prepared depending on the day.
The answer? Some days, I really hurt. I begin to question whether or not kids are in the cards for us. I think about the baby that we lost only 4 days finding out he or she existed. I think about how blessed all the moms, dads, dads-to-be, and moms-to-be are right now. I think about a baby with my hair and Jordan’s eyes. I think about how I never thought we’d have two failed IVFs under our belts with nothing to show for it.
But then other days, I’m really okay. I mean, I really go throughout the day and think about how good it feels to be surrounded by really great friends and family. I think about how I’m blessed to have a roof over my head and a job that I love. I think about how fortunate I feel to have a husband that took care of everything I couldn’t when we were going through IVF and who always has my back.
I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes I’m okay and sometimes I’m not, but we’re taking things day-by-day. Each day is a victory, a luxury and a choice to move forward. I have to make the choice to keep going. I have to get up even when I feel like I can’t. If I don’t keep moving forward, I’m worried I’ll get stuck for too long. Even though I’m working to move forward, though, it doesn’t mean I don’t have my days, my moments. I don’t not think about it daily, but I know that I have to take care of myself and we have to take care of ourselves as a couple if we’re going to come out strong on the other end of this whole thing.
But do you know what’s most eye-opening? It’s that all of the past bad days and things, make the new, great days even better than I think they would have been before this shit storm of infertility. We had a really great Memorial Day weekend with our best friends and I think we needed that. I haven’t laughed like that in a long time and I haven’t allowed myself to really have a good time and let everything go in forever. It’s freeing and I can tell you that the smile in my photos from last weekend are 100% genuine.
I feel good knowing that I went into June with a smile. Now that May has passed and June is here, we definitely won’t have a kid before I turn 30. It would have bothered the old me, because you know, that was part of my life plan and all, but after this second failed IVF, I’ve really tried to let the chips fall where they may. This is where they’re falling right now.
So, I’m ready for you June. Are you ready for me?