I Love You Thissss Much

We hung out with some very good friends this past weekend and their two little boys, who are 4 and 2. My favorite moment all weekend was definitely when my four-year-old friend said, “Ashley, I love you thisssssss much.” {He would stretch his arms out as much as he could when he said it, while smiling.}

It got me thinking. It got me thinking about the innocence of children and how they can love so big at such a young age. It got me thinking about how much I already love this future baby kimble and my future family of 3 or 4 that doesn’t yet exist. It got me thinking about the one we lost in May and how much I love him or her, even if he or she was only 4 weeks old.

You might disagree with me if you’re a parent, and that’s okay,  but I think I understand how much a parent would do for their child and how big that love really is.

I have given up so much for a child that is not yet even born, actually, that doesn’t even exist yet.

I have given up my body. I have given up running. I have given up having control over what I put into my body. I have given up certain foods in an effort to increase my egg quality. I have given up time at work for appointment after appointment. I have given up restful nights when I’m hopped up on hormones. I’ve given up feeling good when I start a new medicine and I’m sick for months on end. I’ve given up alcohol. I’ve given up coffee. I’ve given up activities or functions. I have given up trips. I have given up vacation time for medical appointments. I have given up my body when I’ve injected myself time and time again. I have given up thousand and thousands dollars.

I (will) have had surgery. I have taken vitamin after vitamin. I have let someone poke me with needles weekly for acupuncture. I have become a worse friend. I have become a better friend. I have spent days on the couch watching TV because I felt too sick to move from egg retrieval. I have put a smile on my face when I’ve been sad. I have celebrated Mother’s Day when it hurt. I have celebrated Father’s Day when it hurt. I have cried at work. I have cried at my desk. I have cried in the car. I have made it through the holidays at my worst time.

When I think about everything we have done for our future family, our future baby, I know that without a doubt, there is literally nothing I wouldn’t do for him or her. If someone told me eating bugs everyday would make me fertile, I would do it. {Gross, I know, but I’m absolutely serious.} My point is, my love for this future baby and family is so big that I would do anything for him or her.

So hey, Baby Kimble, are you listening? Because I love you thissssssss much. And yes, I’m holding my arms out as far as they can go.

{Don’t worry my four-year-old friend, I still love you thisssssss much too.}


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