I Was A Mom…For A Minute

I’m getting ready to put my legs up in those super fancy stirrups for yet {sorry for that visual Mom and Dad}, another test, and the doctor says to me, “So you’ve had a couple losses, right?” {I should add that he’s not my normal doctor, so it’s okay that he had to ask this question and, given the test I was getting done.} I said, “Oh, well, I had a chemical pregnancy in May and then our first IVF didn’t work.” He says, “Okay, so yes, one loss.”

Ouch. The word loss. I honestly hadn’t thought of it in this way until I heard the words come out of his mouth at that very moment. I have had in my mind this whole time, that in May, we had a chemical pregnancy. And while that’s certainly what happened, I don’t think I had fully equated it to a loss yet. A miscarriage. Even though that’s what it was. A very early miscarriage.

I haven’t blogged about those few days yet that I knew I was a parent, because truthfully, it’s hard still and I wasn’t even sure how to feel at the time, but yes, I suppose that 4 week old baby made me a Mom.

I remember thinking carefully about what I should eat. How often I should be standing. If I should have been getting more sleep. I found myself wondering, thinking about the fact that I actually had a very, tiny little baby inside of me. I found myself thinking about what I’d do at work if I delivered in January, even though a part of me knew, deep down, that this might not work. That the baby might not stick around. That my beta levels were low and it could all end that upcoming Tuesday. I found myself wondering if I was really going to stay a mother on Mother’s Day. I was told “Happy Mother’s Day” by the few that knew. I got a plant from Jordan for that day. I found myself eating pickles like it was my job. I had symptoms that I never fully experienced before along with a positive beta. Not many, 4 weeks is obviously early, but there were a few there {probably was also all the medication I was on, honestly}.

But in the fleeting moments, between that Friday and Tuesday, there were a few times that I was beginning to feel like a Mom. There were some signs that told me otherwise, but again, with pregnancy,  you never know. Something can be something and it can also be nothing. I still had some hope that I’d remain a Mom.

After my test the other day, after I left the room at the clinic, I got to my car and sobbed. I just could not stop. Maybe it was because it was a genuinely painful test and I almost cried in the office, too, but I think it was also because in that moment, I finally realized, that I have had a loss. I held onto hope for 4 days. Well, really, 3 weeks because I had been carrying that embryo in me from day 2 of conception. But it was enough for me to grieve the baby the was, the baby that could have been.

Even though it stung when he said the word out loud, I think it was good for me to hear. It helped me remember that I was a mom for a minute.

I was a Mom. 



2 thoughts on “I Was A Mom…For A Minute

  1. Ashley, I am deeply touched by your writing. I admire you for sharing such a personal journey . Although no one can really know how you feel, I can empathize with your feelings about a loss early in pregnancy. I had a miscarriage at almost 12 weeks when Stephanie was 3 years old. I remember how casually some people reacted, as if the loss wasn’t significant. I mean, that early in pregnancy, it wasn’t a real baby anyway, right? Wrong. We went on to have a second child but I never took one minute of that pregnancy for granted. I believe you and your husband will be parents and however it comes to be, I am certain you will be a wonderful mother. Know that you and your husband are in my prayers.


  2. You are a really good writer. I’m sorry for this journey, but I hope it has a happy ending and that somehow God can use this in your life and the lives of others. I always try to believe in happy endings. :-/


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