The Fifteenth

I don’t often pay attention to the date. Sometimes. But not often. I have everything in my calendar and I just go with it and the reminders that pop up. But there are a few dates that will be forever in my mind.

The fifteenth. August 15th and January 15th. These are dates I won’t forget.

They are the dates our babies would have been due if our first IVF had worked and if we hadn’t miscarried the baby for our second IVF.

Truthfully, I wasn’t thinking much about it until I realized it was quickly approaching. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think about it {infertility, embabies, IVF, future kids} all the time and every day, but I wasn’t really thinking much about how I would feel today. How I would handle the day. How I would react to the day. And I’m still not entirely sure how I feel today, or more so I should say, how to explain how I feel.

 

I have to admit that I’m more sad than I thought I’d be. It was so long ago in a way – that first IVF – but it also feels like we just went through everything. Like my first shot wasn’t almost a year ago. I can tell you exactly where I was at when we got the call that our IVF had failed. The memory, memories, are so vivid to me. Sometimes I wish I could get some of these really vivid memories out of my head. A part of me wishes I didn’t want to hold onto my embryo photos forever. A part of me wishes I didn’t remember the due dates.

But then, I think about how all of this – the painful memories, the due dates, the shots – have changed me forever. And I think about the gifts we received from these teeny, tiny little babies.

These two little embabies gave us the gift of hope. You see, when you go through IVF for the first time you have really high hopes. Anything seems possible. And, it is. But after a failure {actually several failures}, you become more scarred. Maybe a little more jaded. I can remember being hopeful with these embabies. We got the gift of being PUPO {pregnant until proven otherwise} on Thanksgiving because of these babies and for that I’ll be forever grateful.

I can imagine January 15th is going to be even more difficult. I really thought that baby had a fighting chance and that baby gave us a different memory and gift. The memory of hearing for the first time, “Congratulations, Ashley, you’re pregnant.” I may never here those words again and I feel like I want to cherish those words forever, as short lived as they were.

So to our first two embabies, thank you for the gift of hope. Sometimes the best gifts don’t come in pretty packaging. Sometimes gifts can form out of something painful. When I dig through my box from time to time and pull out of your photo, I’ll try to remember that you gave us that gift of hope when we needed it most.

We love you little embabies. We’ll remember you tonight and always.

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