Keeping It All Together

So, as you probably saw on Facebook, I let this very sweet, nice and talented photographer from Spectrum Health photograph my endometriosis lap and I spoke with a writer from Spectrum Health as well to share my story about how I was diagnosed with PCOS.

I have a big voice. We all know that, right? I’m not afraid to say things. I’m not afraid to share how I’m feeling. So truthfully, talking to her about how I came about being diagnosed with PCOS wasn’t actually all that hard for me. Letting someone photograph me while I went under to find out if I had endometriosis, not as hard or as weird as you would think.

I feel really strongly about advocating so that others don’t feel so alone. I feel strongly about advocating so that others might find their diagnosis of PCOS or endometriosis earlier than I did. I wish I had a happy ending to give those who need hope right now, but I don’t yet. So meanwhile, I’ll just keep educating, sharing and speaking about infertility.

The support I always receive from family and friends when I do share, is, well amazing. The encouragement you all give me makes my heart really happy, so please, keep it coming.

But. {Yes, there’s a “BUT.”}

I don’t really have it all together.

I love that you all think I’m brave and handling it with grace, but that’s truthfully not always the case.

The other day, after I got the news that I have yet another thing wrong with me, I walked through the store crying while picking up ground beef for dinner. A different day, I cried in the bathroom at work when my doctor appointment got pushed back a week. I wanted scream after an insensitive comment and ranted about it to Jordan. I felt achingly sad on the fifteenth because all I could think about was how unfair it was that I wasn’t 40 weeks pregnant like I should have been from our first IVF. I scowled on the fifteenth when I walked by the baby section at Meijer. I was short with co-workers one morning because I woke up nervous about my appointment the next day, that ultimately got moved. I get irrationally mad that I can’t get pregnant the ‘normal’ way. I listen to sad music in the cry by myself because sometimes I just need to cry. I get sad when I see pregnancy announcements, mainly because I wonder if I’ll ever be able to post one myself. Sometimes if I’ve been triggered, I sob and say out loud, “This is not fair. I hate this. I can’t do this.” I’ve said the words: “I feel like God doesn’t think I should have a baby,” even though I know that’s not at all true.

So you see, I don’t really have it together all the time. I admitted this to a friend when she texted me back about the article, stating how proud she was of me. She said,”That’s the thing, you don’t always have to have it all together. Your imperfection…that’s what makes you.”

I’ve been sitting here feeling a little guilty that people think I’m brave when I’m actually scared out of my mind about how all of this will turn out.

Bur I suppose she’s right. Our flaws are a part of us. I don’t have to be brave all the time, and I know I won’t be, but I’ll continue to try.

 

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