Is This Your First?

*I wrote some posts while we were pregnant, but hadn’t announced on the blog yet. This is from a couple weeks back.*


 

“Is this your first pregnancy?”

Pause.

I always pause when I am asked this question. And it’s a question I’ve been asked a lot since trying to decide on an OB. I never quite know what to say. Part of me wants to simply say yes. Another part of me wants to say no and explain my last three years of infertility. But the logic in me answers: “I had a chemical pregnancy in May.”

And I leave it at that. I don’t say yes or no. I don’t tell them the details, nor do they probably care. The question throws me off guard every single time. Is this the first pregnancy I think, hope and pray will end with a baby in my arms? Yes. Is this my first pregnancy? No.

I am pregnant now, feel blessed beyond words and am convinced this baby is all a part of my ‘life’ plan, but I still struggle with my past at times. Getting pregnant does not mean my years of pain and loss go away. The journey has changed me and I wish I could say it changed me entirely for the better, but it’s also changed me in ways that have made me more apprehensive. Nervous. Unsure of the future.

Being in the 1% who get pregnant naturally after failed treatments and IVFs is a blessing, but it’s also difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means complaining about this amazing gift I have been given {in fact, if I read that, still being not pregnant and trying to get pregnant I might punch myself}. But I can’t deny the past that’s now made me who I am. I envy those who pee on that stick and don’t worry 24/7. I know they say once you become a mother, you are always worrying, but this is different. A friend and I were talking about how hard this is, mentally, some days to be pregnant after loss and infertility. It’s helped to talk about it and know I’m not totally insane. The first two weeks, I didn’t want to move for fear I’d somehow shake this baby out. I wish I was kidding, but ask Jordan, he did everything around the house {God bless him}. I asked for an extra ultrasound because I’ve been blessed with so few symptoms and it worried me so much. Every twinge, pull and cramp, I think, “Is this okay?” I wasn’t on bed rest, I was just scared of losing the thing I’ve been wanting the most for so long. Trying to so hard to create and failing so miserably every time before.

A few weeks after we found out, I was talking to a friend who lost her baby daughter far too soon. She said she understood where I was coming from, but said she wished she would have spent less time worrying in the beginning knowing now how little time she really had with her daughter.

It made me think. And I wanted to honor the daughter she lost and loves. I realized this might be the only pregnancy I ever get. This might not happen for me again. And I want to embrace it. Every single part of it. The good, the bad and the  ugly. Because this is what I have been praying for every single day.

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