I Know Because I Remember

I’ve been thinking a lot about last year’s Christmas lately. We had just found  out our first IVF had failed, pretty massively. I was going through the motions. Trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what we were going to do next, all while trying to have a ‘happy’ Christmas. (Read: Where Are You Christmas, last year’s blog post.)

I also had no idea what was ahead. What was coming. How painful the next 9 months were going to be for us. I had no idea I’d be having surgery. Or that a second failed IVF and chemical pregnancy, with the recommendation of donor eggs from one doctor and possible mini cycles from another doctor, would lead us to being at what felt like the biggest crossroads of our fertility journey yet.

What I knew at the time, is how hard it was to watch families celebrate the holiday together at church. Or how much I wondered if that’d be us someday. How I would dream of opening presents with my someday child I had a hard time imagining. It was a year ago, but it seems like it was just yesterday, as cliche as that sounds. And I can remember the pain I felt pretty vividly.

For those who are experiencing another Christmas or holiday like I did last year or who are dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss, I know you’re going through the motions right now. I know you’re trying your best to seem happy. I know this time of year stirs up emotions that are painful and make you say, “what if?” over and over again. I know you’re wondering how you’re going to make small talk at a Christmas event because the weather and snow are trivial to what you’ve been experiencing in your life.

I know because I lived it. I know because I remember.

My heart is with you. I won’t forget to acknowledge you. I won’t forget what I’ve been through. I might have my Christmas miracle this year, but the past is a part of me, as is last Christmas.

In last year’s blog post, somehow I still had hope. I hoped that we’d have our miracle baby. And now, we do. It’s still jaw dropping to me that I’m 16 weeks pregnant. Next year, I’ll really be able to fill that stocking I talked about in the post.

And most of all, to those waiting, I hope you get to fill your little one’s stocking next year too. Sending all the love this holiday season.

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